I have known nothing but self-criticism since I learned how to talk.
I was raised by an Asian mother who taught me that asking for help is something to be ashamed of, and that for the sake of your dignity, it should be avoided at all costs. After all, you’ll become much stronger that way, right?
I watched her navigate the death of her husband - my father - and was astounded by how little help she accepted, despite her friends and extended family being so gracious with their offers to try and lighten the load. Being so young myself, I learned that in order to not worry her more, I needed to act like everything was alright. So I followed her lead and stepped up, guiding her through things bigger than my 10-year-old self.
It felt good in the moment, but now that I'm older, I realise the impact her and my actions have had on the way I view myself. The inky fingerprints of my past have stained parts of my life I didn’t realise they could reach.
~
These past few weeks have made me feel like that 10-year-old girl again. I worked on a show and got sick. But something shifted, and recovery has been more difficult than what I’ve been used to.
In addition, I have been struggling with my mental health, whilst still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy and meet expectations as a high-achieving uni student. It's been overwhelming, and quite frankly, I've been feeling a bit lost trying to navigate it all myself. It’s as if I'm gasping for air, but instead swallowing mouthfuls of water.
I started seeing a new psychologist recently, and it couldn’t have been more well-timed. I had my second session with her today, and after listening to me explain the stress I've been under, she said something that stunned me to silence.
“This is a lot to be dealing with, and while it’s easier said than done, I think you deserve to give yourself grace. None of this is your fault.”
I had been so wrapped up in trying to fix things and understand why this was all happening at once that I hadn’t thought to step back and look at things from a different perspective. It was like finally taking a breath after almost drowning.
I left her office with mascara running down my cheeks. But it felt good. I felt lighter.
~
In a sometimes unforgiving world that rewards self-criticism, especially in the digital age, it can be so easy to shut down, build walls, and let yourself (and your heart!) grow cold and distant.
Life throws challenges at us when we least expect them: and when you’re also being overwhelmed by hostility online, highlight reels of perfect lives, and seemingly never-ending fear mongering, your mind, naturally, goes into survival mode. Isolating yourself and hardening your heart feels safe- like a protective shield that stops you from getting hurt, and is reinforced by society convincing us that caring so deeply is a sign of being weak.
But hiding behind that shield can hurt, too. It cuts you off from the very things that we as humans desire most: deep connection, joy, and genuine empathy. It's easy to become cynical, neurotic, and numb, especially when everything around you makes it so easy to, but choosing to stay open, kind, and sensitive in the midst of all the noise? It's difficult, but it’s a choice of courage and strength, not a sign of fragility.
~
We could all benefit from a bit of self-compassion.
There are a lot of things that are out of my control; things happening around the world, things happening online, things happening around me. Sometimes I feel responsible for them, or that I should be doing more to try and fix them, and I know a lot of other young people feel that way too.
It’s easy to be consumed by chaos, and in turn, allow yourself to catastrophise until you become numb. But it is an important skill to be able to recognise this, and give yourself the grace you deserve so you can grow. Focusing on what you can control in the here and now is sometimes the most helpful thing you can do.
Staying soft, nurturing joy, protecting your peace, and asking for help are acts of resistance against the idea placed on us by society that these things make us weak.
You are allowed to be angry, but you can still stay soft. Don’t let the world harden your heart. Love illimitably, care deeply, and be sensitive. Let your softheartedness be indomitable.
